three summers

Groom Creek, Prescott AZ

There are branches of my past 
meant to catch flames and vanish from the park
like you made me disappear that summer day

Parts of me meant to collapse
crashing with certainty and lust
with the hope that I was never lying beneath those ashes

There are leaves of my body, diseased
meant to fall hard to the moss
like the draw bridge of a broken entrance

But you are the last breath of air in this dark chamber
your beauty held with inherited chains

I gasp for your warmth
that familiar feeling



It's been almost three rounds of summers now since I have been home. When I first came home, I went to bed at 9:30 every night and tucked in my shirt for months. I asked my mom to go to the bathroom and for a long while, and I struggled with feeling like I would never be able to move on and heal. I felt as if these parts of my life needed to be obliterated and not spoken about, because I knew I would not be understood or heard. For a long time (and sometimes still), I feel as if I will never meet anyone who can identify with these experiences. Mostly because this is true, and you never meet people that have been in a program. There was tremendous shame surrounding so much of my life and I felt suffocated by the smoke wrapped around those years that I would never be able to escape. I've discovered, actually, that I can't get away from any part of my life, even if I tried. This realization was painful for two years, but recently I have learned that I don't need to burn these branches of myself.

I have the same shell as I did three summers ago, but continually find new interests and new beautiful things to fill it with. There are so many aspects of myself that, three years ago, I would have been terrified to face. This summer brings a new day, as I am beginning to feel more whole. I am beginning to feel that I am capable of achieving whatever I want to do, with the (almost) surety that I will have people there to support me in those dreams. I have a better understanding of myself, and what is important to me in my life. When asked by a school assignment to write about 5-year goals, the only thing that came to mind was "be happy." Somehow, someway, find out what will make me happy and feel fulfilled and free, and go after it. Sure, it's a rather flexible and unstructured dream and wouldn't be considered a "goal" by most standards. But to me, it's finally enough. After all of those "SMART" goals I had to make for program seminars, I've learned goals don't really work. I don't need to journal for 45 minutes each night to effectively express myself and get things out. This summer, I figured it out. If I go after what I want, I will accomplish all of my goals in one swoop. Super convenient, actually.

I feel like I have started to overcome my greatest obstacle: myself. Once I am able to fully embrace and accept every aspect of myself, it becomes easier for those around me to as well. After discovering that I cannot escape years of my life, I have grown to love those years, and to look to them every day. Often times, sitting in those dark times for an hour or so makes the next several hours of light so much brighter, more vibrant, and much more appreciated.