One of my most loved poets, Oscar Wilde,
once said: “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s
opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” We are constantly
told that the friends we choose determine the people we will become, as we
unknowingly acquire the behaviors we observe. We are given counsel that those
who we surround ourselves with, whether by choice or by circumstance, influence
the very core of our beliefs, thoughts, and consequently, our actions. Our
conscious life decisions shape our identities, as do the societal standards and
influences placed on us as members of this American and worldwide society. This
real and physical sphere we live in is made up of artificial structures based
on expectations of belief, behaviors, and roles. As if it is crucial to our
survival, we must understand that we are not only existing in this environment,
but that we create and maintain these boundaries ourselves. According to social
expectations, I am bound by the chains of artificial labels: White, female,
brunette, artist, Mormon, student.
Aside from these obvious labels, there are
countless other artificial labels that, while seeking to define self-identity,
have the power to destroy it. These labels and expectations are the forces that
drive our daily actions and thoughts. These are the forces that make us look in
the mirror and decide on the self-empowering beliefs that we will choose to
embrace: I am beautiful, I have so many wonderful qualities, I am kind, I am a
good friend, I am a talented painter. However, this force is what also forms
the self-limiting and destructive beliefs that we hold about ourselves: I am
not funny enough, I am not charismatic enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not
good enough, I am not smart enough, I will never be enough. These “I am”
statements are what I believe to be the most powerful words in the universal
language of human feeling.
What we believe about ourselves and our own
capacity determines every aspect of our existence. It not only affects the way
in which we communicate, but defines our behaviors and actions. The traits we
believe to be true about ourselves determine what we believe to be true about
those who surround us, about our world, and about the society we choose to
perceive as reality. Not only do our own beliefs make up our self-concept, but
the evaluations of others and how we think they perceive us can change
fundamental self-views. This explains why those who have been bullied or
experienced trauma have an altered and unhealthy self-concept, as it was warped
by the evaluations and treatment of others. As Latter-day Saints, we are not
only expected but also required to attain certain standards. By my parents,
both of whom I believe to be the best parents I could ask for, I was taught by
silent expectation rather than spoken principle. Through my childhood and
adolescence, I attended church each Sunday, only then to be conflicted by what
I observed the other six days of the week. We are taught “right from wrong,”
yet what we are being taught is contradictory to that which we observe on a
daily basis in our environments. How can we develop a healthy moral compass
when we are taught to give selflessly, yet blindly ignore men on the street
corner asking for spare change?
One crucial aspect of early childhood is our
gender, which we begin to understand as early as fifteen months old. By age
three, we have formed a foundational gender identity that will remain rigid
through the remainder of our lives. Upon reaching this, children begin to
understand culturally-derived gender roles, associating certain behaviors with
that of either a feminine or masculine role. As young children, we struggle to
create an identifying relationship between ourselves, others, and the world
around us. Through this process of self-discovery, we subconsciously adjust our
predisposed identity to closer match those of our families, friends, and
societal system. Based on societal beliefs in the role of families, this gender
identity should be taught in the home. Yet what happens when the child’s
influences come from television or movies that glorify a sexually based
identity?
From the moment we enter this earth, we are
bombarded with society’s ideas of what is important: Possessions, money,
status, and appearance, which is focused on a sexually based identity. Social
networking has also become an important aspect in the way we view ourselves and
others, and with social media on the rise, authentic interaction in social
relationships and in the family structure has declined drastically. Because
social media is such an integral aspect of society, it influences any of us who
so much as leave the house. We are imprinting our children with the
responsibility to feed into this influence because controlling social
expectation is a profitable business.
In both our country as a whole and in the
Mormon church, education is held to be of utmost importance, whether the
motivation be for financial success or personal agenda. We are taught through
the scriptures and by prophets to study and obtain knowledge in preparation for
our lives. Not only is education encouraged, it is tied closely with social
standing. But why? It is said that we live in the land of opportunity, yet 75%
of Americans with college degrees say they are middle class, and the other 25%
are struggling to make ends meet. It is true that college graduates earn a
significant amount more per year than those who do not attend college, but even
with a bachelor’s degree, you join the force of middle class workers who
support a consumerism-based society and a profit-based economy. As a woman in
the church, I am expected to gain an education to one day teach my children
about the world and about the gospel, guiding them in the way of righteousness.
Yet despite there being equal pressure on both men and women to gain an
education, equal rewards and rights are not given. Women make only
seventy-seven cents to every dollar earned by a man working the same job,
partially due to occupational choices made by women, but also partially due to
immeasurable factors. Beyond this, women of color experience an even higher
wage gap with their male counterparts.
Throughout our history, men have held more
civil rights, wealth, property, and general status than women, who have been
refused equal rights. Yet despite women not receiving equal rights, they are
expected to raise our future’s children. As a woman, I am required to be:
Skinny, dainty, a housewife, available to fulfill men’s desires. I am
constantly bombarded with media images that sexualize and degrade the role of
women, advertising that “thin is in.” Women are receiving the message perhaps
thousands of times a day that the most important thing about womanhood is not
our minds, hearts, and abilities – it is our sex appeal, our beauty. Television
programming and online social networks communicate that being stick skinny is
the sole way to achieve the societal idea of beauty, and that sex is not only
required of us by men, but also risk-free. As women, we reside in the dusty and
folded pages of magazines that limit the spectrum of beauty to one ideal,
suffocating our self-worth into compartments as narrow as a tube of lipstick.
Not only do media and society support self-hatred, they thrive off of it. The
model industry is in search of the perfect Barbie girl, when in fact, if Barbie
were life-sized, she would stand at six feet tall and be 110 pounds, fitting
the weight criteria for anorexia. She would most likely not menstruate, not be
able to bear children, and have to walk on all fours because of her
proportions. Yet, we readily embrace this as a societal expectation. We not
only accept this Barbie doll requirement, we obsess over it so extremely that
women will go days without eating, or will binge and purge. The desire to be
perfect has the untamed power to drive women and young girls alike to
depression, self-hatred, and eventually self-harm.
So, what
does this all mean for myself as an individual?
My beliefs about these societal norms are
some of my most precious thoughts, and I am more than acutely aware of the
dangerous society in which I live, one based on false advertising, body
shaming, and unrealistic expectations. However, because my sense of self has
emerged through social interaction within this label-based society, it is
assumed that many aspects of my belief system are based on that which I have
observed throughout my life. It is only natural that I am absolutely a result
of my environment. My beliefs, behaviors, and actions are all in accordance
with what I have observed to be appropriate or expected. To restate the
previously quoted Oscar Wilde quote, “Most people are other people.” My
self-identity is based upon the identities of others and the way they have
defined preexisting social identities. Because I follow a map guiding the
requirements for social roles, when fulfilling my own roles, I ask: What does
it mean to be a daughter, student, Mormon, friend, or sister? The answer that
may come to my mind may partially be due to my own thoughts and self-discovery,
but are partially made of these preexisting standards.
The mastermind of a worldwide standard
meticulously calculates every move I make, from when I awake in the morning to when
my head hits the pillow. Upon waking, I begin in the monotonous routine that
for women is referred to as simply “getting ready,” typically involving an hour
of blow drying, straightening, applying make up, plucking, primping, and
prepping for the day, all of which is viewed as mandatory. Here in lies the
distinct flaw in our system of physical standards: the phrase “getting ready”
communicates that we wake up not ready and “unfinished,” as if the lines on our
face mark the pages of a book yet to be written. In my heart and soul, I know
that I am complete and whole as a perfect daughter of Heavenly Father. I know
that I am a divine being, and not only blessed with countless talents and
abilities, but blessed with a physical body created in the image of our perfect
and loving God. Despite this glorious and infinite creation, millions of women
gaze into their reflection each day with empty eyes and hollow hearts.
But why
in the world is all of this so
important?
It is important because we race through days,
months, and years without once considering the influences that are impacting
our behaviors and beliefs. As human beings, it is in our instinctive nature to
protect and preserve what we know to be true. Viewing society through a
transparent lens may potentially be painful or shocking, but it is imperative
that we do in order to gain a full perspective of our reality. Through the
process of writing this, I was able to both gain new insight and question the
way that I am living as a woman in American society. I know not who will read
these words, but it is my hope that as a society, even if only within my own
university, we begin to expand our personal understanding of the social
constructs we yield to. A woman named Andrea Gibson, whom I feel I know well through
her words and poetry, has transformed the way I view so many dark areas of my
own human vulnerability. In one of her poems, she quotes an Indian writer,
Jiddu Krishnamurti, who stated, “It is no measure of good health to be well
adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
I implore you. Wake up. It is my wish for us
all to understand our own boundless worth and ability. I absolutely believe
that we are products of our environment, and because of this, it is crucial
that we alter our environments to match that which we hope to become. If this
means making changes, make them. Despite what your parents believe you should
do, if you want to go to school for Music, chase after that with all your
passion and power. Although harsh social expectations exist and are real, you
are not limited within the hollow bounds of their screaming sounds. Be louder
than the noise and stronger than the fight.
